I’m trying not to fuck myself so much. I’m trying
Whenever I felt something depressing, I always wanted to put my head underwater. I didn’t know why. I was just imagining it all the time.
It was on the night of the 25th of October, right after talking to my friend over the phone. I thought I just need ‘brain refreshment’. I had not tried to put my head underwater before.
It just came out of my thought, so I was trying to put myself underwater. I didn’t have a bathtub in my house, It was just a big rectangle of water storage. Instead, I used that as I was thinking it was a bathtub.
I drained the tank first because the water in it had been murky. And then filled it up into the height so I can fully put my head underwater.
I didn’t think of any, but as I laid down, I was feeling that I was a little bit out of breath. Before, I had thought that it would be so refreshing to have my head underwater and see the ceiling down from the water.
But actually, it was worst, that after several tries, I realized that I was accidentally doing a suicide trial. It was terrible because I would never want to end up my life myself.
Even now that I knew it was terrible. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t do that anytime. I meant, I just thought that something about putting your head underwater is a refreshment of your ‘brain-locked’.
